Posted in Rambles

A Selfish Sort Of Sadness


Long story short, I feel like a little bit of a twat.
You can stop reading if you want, that’s pretty much the whole post without any metaphors and that. It really will be just a ramble on my life.

But, it really is true. The only tears I’ve cried recently have been selfish ones, even though they should have been ones of grief.
That’s why I feel like a twat.
My grandma just died (I’m writing a post on this at the moment, you’ll see it soon) so my family have enough shit to deal with on their own, but here I come with scathing words about them. Instead of feeling awful with them, and dying of grief – I’m not crying about death.

I’m just crying about myself. The tears that roll down my cheeks have no care in them, no love – just self-pity. Self-pity because I feel like I’m never going to be the person I want to be.
A selfish sort of sadness, a terrifying existence. Too scared to break the barriers in front of me, but selfish enough to tell people why I hate being behind them.

“Get off your ass and do something about it then Ana! Stop complaining and start doing something”
Hmm, sounds easy – doesn’t it? It sounds so deliciously simple but in reality it’s so sour. Courage is needed to be able to do something about anything, but I feel like I’ve sunken into the hole of fear, of self-pity – I don’t possess courage anymore. I used to be so hopeful about my future, I used to be so determined to do what I wanted to do and I wouldn’t let anyone get in my way.

Unfortunately, a lot of things have gotten in my way. So much so that they’ve pushed my face up to the glass window which overlooks the pathway to success. I see my friends walk down it smiling, so hopeful and excited by the future that they were able to choose for themselves.

To put this into context, I’m going to university next year. For a while I was completely set on doing English at university, which made my parents very happy. I’ll admit, I love English and I do think that I’d really enjoy studying it at university. But, what next? However much my mum wants me to be a researcher, I’ve never wanted to do anything like that. I tell her about my love for acting and she says “Well, you could be a researcher on a film, that’s a nice job!”. Maybe it is a nice job, but I couldn’t bear watching other people do what I’ve always loved to do. I’ll look up from my books to maybe see one of my friends in front of the camera. I’ll kick myself under the table as I think of all the times where I could have taken that opportunity.

I want to be an actress. For most of my life I’ve wanted to be an actress. I love being on stage, enjoy working with other people and get such a sense of self-fulfilment when I look down at an audience. I love writing, of course. I’m very passionate about it and I’ve really enjoyed working on this blog. It’s crazy how active my blog has been recently (thanks guys!) and I’m having a lot of fun doing it! However I also love to act, it’s really my dream to be up there under the hot stage/film lights performing something to the world.

One of my teachers said something to me before we broke up for the holidays. He said to me “It’s your life, you need to choose yourself what you want to do with it”. I wish it were that simple, I pray for it to be that simple. But in reality it’s a lot harder than it looks.
I want to do this acting degree (well, I think so) at the University of the Creative Arts, but my parents think that it’s a bad idea. They always tell me about the instability of the career, how you can’t guarantee a job after university and that I’m “good at English so I should do an English degree”.
I’m too scared to tell them otherwise. Breaking the glass window in front of me terrifies me, it really does. It is my life, but I really feel like I have no choice over anything in it. I feel so incredibly selfish for pushing my passion on my parents when they’re going through something really difficult. It makes me feel awful.

This isn’t about her, and I don’t want to go into loads of detail – but sometimes I look at my best friend and wonder what life would be like if I was allowed as much choice as she has. I know that she’s going to do something in her life, and it’s going to be something that she wants to do – and her parents don’t have any problems with that. I’m not jealous over it, it just makes me feel a little melancholy.

One day I hope I’ll be able to come up with enough courage to smash that window of shame. For now, I’m living in a state of perpetual fear of people’s reactions to what I want to do in the future.

My sole dream right now is to be able to “follow my dreams”.

This Blog – The Results Are In

It’s been 5 days since I put out those polls (I also did one on Twitter) and the results are in. Yes, ok – I may have only got 6 votes altogether but I did still get a majority.

And with 5 votes to 1, the winner of the poll is that I should blog my cosplay journey on this blog! I’m actually quite excited for this, it feels like a great opportunity to branch out my topics. I will keep posting English related posts, don’t fret little ones. However, I feel that it’s time for a ‘cosplay corner’ on my blog.

Get ready for fun, fails, and all round excitement. See you in the next post!

– Ana

This Blog

I have had lots of feelings about this blog recently, a lot of them have been confusing the hell out of me. You see, the thing is – I’m really into cosplay, but I’m ALSO really into reading.

You might be wondering to yourselves: “What’s so bad about that? She can like cosplay and reading at the same time if she wants!”

However, it’s not that simple. London MCM Comic Con is coming up in October, and I’m choosing to cosplay a character from Sherlock (Eurus to be specific). During my journey of collecting and altering items that has come about recently, I’ve been thinking to myself that this journey would be a great thing to blog about. But halfway through rushing to the laptop to create a new series, I stepped back and thought about my new audience. I realised that adding a completely new element to my blog could actually be a bit ‘offensive’, considering that the people have come here for the reading – not the cosplay.

So now I have a dilemma. Should I create a second blog? Should I make that series on this blog? I don’t know. Here’s a poll so that you can vote for yourselves.

Posted in Rambles, Updates

Branching Out Into the Blogosphere


Hello! Recently I met a lovely lovely girl at a party that I went to on Saturday (she has a blog called justelm which you should follow, I can vouch for the fact that it’s AWESOME). We got chatting for a bit and eventually we started talking about our blogs. She has a much larger audience than I do and has been at the blogging game for a lot longer (2 and a half years!) but I felt that we still bonded over writing.

Anyway, back to the point – she suggested that I make a twitter for my blog, and I thought to myself “Hmm that sounds like a good idea”. Fast forward to Sunday and I’ve made my own little twitter account! You can follow me here where you can see what I’m up to in the blogging world and ask me whatever you want. When I made this twitter, I decided that it would be a good idea to follow loads of blogger accounts and hopefully get some follow backs which would expand my audience. Well, it worked – and as of when I’m writing this, I follow 234 people and have 93 followers! It took only 3 days for that to happen, so I’ve realised that it’s very important to put your blog out there to the world.

Since Sunday I’ve actually raised my WordPress follower count to 7 (that’s good for me), have likes on pretty much ALL of my posts, and this morning read an amazingly nice comment from Myopic Musings (whose lovely blog I have linked). Crazy, right?

I’m so incredibly happy with all the support I’ve been getting from my audience and I think I’m ready to become a proper blogger. I’m ready to put the things that I care about the most to the world and ready to interact with other bloggers. At first I was extremely scared of sharing my works, even a little embarrassed by the prospect. However, after talking to Elm and having a good think about everything – I decided to jump into the deep end and get my writing out there.

If you’re reading this I just want to say thank you. Thank you for supporting me (even by just reading to the end of my posts!), because it means more than you know

– Ana x

Posted in Interesting Ideas

The Great American Dream

(Disclaimer – I wrote this at school for an English thing so it’s not going to be perfect)

Started from the bottom now I’m here

A common phrase in the media that we hear in almost every American rap song, but can this be linked to a wider theme in the world of literature? How can a reference to pop culture ever tell us more about the world we live in? It’s actually fairly basic. ‘Starting from the bottom’ is the main concept of the theme of the ‘Great American Dream’

This theme has been analysed through and through, a famous critic (James Nagel) wrote a literary criticism on this idea – analysing whether or not it was a reality or simply a myth. The main concept of this American dream is simply one person starting as a working class individual, poor and alone (mostly a man), and moving up the social standing to become a powerful and successful upperclassmen. New York always seems to be the setting to a person breaking out of their working class chrysalis and transforming into a man with endless amounts of money or becoming one- simply because they worked up to social scale to get there.

The American Dream is also very political. A many of Donald Trump’s policies involved more jobs for the working class, pushing the good old American Dream until it was busting out of its cowboy boots. This could be a valid reason for his win (if we forget about the Russians). He encouraged the working classes to rise to the top – removing their restraints that Obama has supposedly put on them. Trump promised riches and selfish success – what traditionalist American could refuse?

Ragged Dick’, a novel written by American author Horatio Alger in 1871 follows the life of a boy called Dick – an except being where Dick is shining shoes in New York to get money to up his social standing. He has moved here, alone, only has tattered clothing and lives in a block on the corner of a New York. It is here evident that Dick has fallen into the American dream cliche of sacrificing everything for prospects of a successful future. Although he could get his money by stealing, it is said that his ‘nature was a noble one’ and that he ‘would not steal, or cheat’.

Nagel comments that this novel is written predominantly with the ideas of the early young American population. This type of American dream involves not ‘fabulous wealth’ but ‘middle-class acceptance and security’.

Here we can see that the American Dream and span different generations but in different ways. This idea may have been added to the novel  to appeal to the younger generations that wanted to break out from the traditional American Dream and ‘emerge from the chrysalis’ that entrapped their parents. They wanted to show that they could become something new, not just with lots of money – but something accepted and respected. Literature like this would inspire this generation to get on their feet and work for their new type of American Dream.  

Posted in Reviews


EDIT: I’m making this sound like it’s a POV show. It’s not. After rewatching it I realised that there are different scenes with other characters in (rather than Holly).

Yes, I know – I’m talking about a TV show! Argh!
But we must remember that TV shows are written, just like books are written…
This means that I have complete self-permission to go on about it in this blog post.

I am a fully confirmed lover of Sherlock, and you may be wondering why I am not writing about that – instead of this TV show. Well, the answer to this is that although Sherlock has so many wonderful parts in it – there is almost too much to get through. With 14 episodes that last 90 minutes each, it’s not ideal. I could do something on it in the future…
Clique has 6 episodes of 40 minutes each – so this is what we shall talk about.

Clique is somewhat of a hidden gem, in my opinion.
Hidden, that is, because it’s a BBC Three show which means that you can only watch it on BBCiPlayer. (For all my ‘not-British’ readers, it means that you can only watch it online.)

But why is it a gem? Continue reading “Clique.”

Posted in Interesting Ideas

Sympathy and Empathy 

These two things are one of the most important tools that a writer or playwright needs to make their pieces connect with their audience. Never underestimate the power of sympathy or empathy – they can make or break a piece.

Recently I read a young adult book by Louise O’Neill called ‘Asking For It’. I picked it because I very much enjoyed another work of hers called ‘Only Ever Yours’. ‘Only Ever Yours’ has a very Handmaid’s Tale-esque setting, leading me to believe that it was based on that. I recommend reading the book, but this post is not about that (perhaps I should make one…).
‘Asking For It’ follows the story of a girl who was raped and her struggle within the society that she lives in. Considering modern day’s ideas about consent and rape – it was a book that I felt was meant to highlight these issues. Would I recommend it? Probably not – but I did realise something while reading it. Continue reading “Sympathy and Empathy ”